Depression Settles at the Bottom

This is such a heartfelt message and I think he really hit the nail on the head. So relatable it’s scary.

HarsH ReaLiTy

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I don’t view depression as waves, at least not for me. My depression feels like white flakes in a snow globe and are activated when something shakes me to my core. I become the center and the space around me becomes my world, a world I cannot see. While blinded I feel my swinging mood aiming for me like a gauntlet and I am the fool that has entered into it blind. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.

It has been 17 years since I found out about my birth mom and my sister. It has been 12 years since I tried to kill myself the first time. It has been 9 years  since I found happiness again. Through those transitions I have relearned my depression. Through those years I have grown to accept it and myself.

People always want to fix things. Fix your smile…

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What does depression actually mean?

I’m sure there have been points in your life where you think you’re depressed when in reality you’re just sad for a good reason. Or where you’re over reacting for dramatic effect and you’re like “Ugh, I’m so bloody depressed!” Or something like that. I understand as I’ve done the same. But let me tell you, you don’t know how bad actual depression is until you reach that point yourself.

Let me take you through the meaning and help you work out if you are. I’m not a professional but I’ve spent hours researching this so this blog post may be somewhere to start.

“Dejection” I see where they’re coming from. Losing your hope, feeling ridiculously lonely. Dejection is a very strong word. And yes, it is how you feel.

This is what the google definition tells us;

depressed
adjective
adjective: depressed
  1. 1.
    (of a person) in a state of unhappiness or despondency.
    “she felt lonely and depressed”
    antonyms: cheerful
    • (of a person) suffering from clinical depression.

I don’t think this would be helpful for someone without depression to understand the full scale and the feelings. So, here we continue to our next method.

 

My second method would be to take a depression test. They’re easy to find on the web and vary in length. I recommend taking a longer one because while they take a long time to complete, they will get a better average and may tell you if you actually have anxiety or something else. Remember not to over emphasise things to make the result depression because this does not reflect your true mentality.

Here are my results from a test I just took;

Your Score: Severe Depression

Your answers suggest you are suffering from severe depression. It is important that you schedule an appointment with your doctor or a mental health worker now. If you need help finding a mental health professional we suggest that you reach out to http://www.nami.org/Find-Support.

Click here to visit the webpage I used.

As you can see, this will tell you which degree of depression you have and recommend how to go about things. What I have to say that these tests get wrong is the recommending. They say ‘schedule an appointment with your doctor or mental health worker now’ like that’s easy. It’s not easy. At all. God, I can’t even tell my family and I have no friends to turn to anymore. But I’ll talk about that in another post.

 

So the next step is to double check the symptoms. The test kind of did that for you but it helps you get a better understanding. You can find these on websites like the NHS or often on the websites which you do the mental health tests on. For example, if you click on the link to the site I provided, there is a tab where you can find out symptoms.

 

My final step to helping you understand is by giving you a quick overview of how I’m feeling. A quick word of warning, however, things could get deep.

When I’ve seen on Instagram or heard of people who say they’re depressed, in the past, I looked at why and thought that they were just self-diagnosing something worse than what they have or attention seeking. I suppose some people are self-diagnosing and aren’t actually depressed. Something I have realised while being like this is that you can never know how it feel like to be depressed until you hit rock bottom yourself. Those sad quotes you see? You can say you understand but never fully relate or experience it until the mental illness hits you. Then you look at those quotes and think ‘shit… it’s like someone just read my mind. That is exactly how I am feeling’.

On the other hand, I was correct in thinking they were attention seeking. However, the stigma around that is bad… The truth is, when a sad person says they’re sad or share how they feel – even in the tiniest of bits – that’s so hard. It takes so much courage to say a single thing and if the first person you go to says ‘I am here’ but brushes it off and doesn’t worry, it is truly heart shattering. When you upset and you know you seriously bad, all you can think is ‘what if I told someone’ and you evaluate who you could tell. The worst part is not knowing. Or knowing who is possible to tell and not getting the courage due to the fear of them not helping, judging you or brushing it off and not seeing the scale of the problem.

The issue is, absolutely no one understands. No one can possibly know what you’re going through or how terrible it is. I’ve never believed in or felt actual heartbreak until now. That physical ache in your chest area which makes you want to be sick and cry. Then all you can think about is what if you put a stop to that ache. End the pain forever. But you’re a coward or too selfish and would never be able to do it.

Every problem is a mountain, one which cannot be moved with just one person’s bare hands. Yet help is scarce and hard to find or retrieve. It makes you feel hopeless and empty. People have their own mountains to move and even if they’re much smaller and lesser, they would be better off not helping you.

Even if someone did come and help because they’re a happy, sympathetic person who wants to try and understand you, their job is only temporary. They don’t understand your unique mountain which is lined with loneliness, anger and remorse. It’s too much for them or they forget about you and before they’ve even moved you forward an inch, they have disappeared.

 

I could say so much more because depression is a wave of hundreds of feelings and emotions. Some you have never even felt before and can’t quite understand. It all scary and foreign but I hope that if you’re in a bad place, I’ve helped you understand what is going on.

 

Thanks for reading once again, loyal and amazing reader xoxo

Talk to you soon!

~ Messed Up British Girl<3

 

Hey!

Hey! I’m a teenage girl who you can guess is from Britain and as you can also tell from the title of the blog is I am totally messed up.

I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but I can tell you with 99.9% confidence that I am depressed. You’ll come to learn that I’m telling the truth as you read these blog posts. If you read these blog posts, anyway, I don’t really expect many people to be interested.

I’ve been adding to a word document lately when I’ve wanted to get something off of my chest but I want to try out blogging. At least then I’ll feel like I’ve got someone to talk to, people who are interested in my life and not just fake.

So, if you’re planning on being a loyal reader and sticking by my side through this, I’d like you to pinky promise me through your screens that you won’t judge me as I’m going to expose myself completely on here. Please don’t exploit me. I’m going to admit, I am vulnerable at this point and any, little thing could just break me.

 

Thank you, new and loyal reader.I’ll talk to you soon xoxo

I’ll talk to you soon xoxo

~ Messed Up British Girl<3